People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
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Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Anarchy
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
bugs when you lift up a rock
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.