People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
these can’t be my only options
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
We found love in a hopeless place.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
