I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
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self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”