People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
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Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.