Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.