People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
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I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
the icebreaker
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Orange cat behavior 😂
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am