People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
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[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
a fate I wish upon no one
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
This is my pinned tweet
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb