Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.