People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
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remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“