People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
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If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Oops I deleted….
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok