People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
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[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”