People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
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If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.