People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
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Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Same pineapple, same
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
This January has 47 Mondays
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful