People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
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…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Not today
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
peeping toms
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]