Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

Don’t tell me what to do

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.