People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
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A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night