Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

Twitter remains undefeated

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

💀 😭

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit