[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
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HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
#merica
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today