people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
The fall of Netflix
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
This cat wants you to take your pills
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.