People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
im all 3
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
