People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
