People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
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This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
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Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history