People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
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dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
The cashier just checked me out.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Imma just leave this here…………
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*