Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

#math

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*