Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.