People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
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Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.