@Home_Halfway

People ask me what I’m really into these days. I tell them “debt.”

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@Talk_To_The_Hat

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

@iwearaonesie

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

@my_minivan_life

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

@better_off_dad

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

@ArfMeasures

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

@JKickinit30

It’s amazing when you hug someone you haven’t seen in decades. It’s also embarrassing when it’s not the person you thought it was.

@pplwtching

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

@Robert_Beau

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

@SteveSuckington

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.