[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
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If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what