Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

black phone good

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

Pizza is an emotion right?

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift