Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

🤣

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

my dad has had enough

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna