People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
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all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.