People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.