People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
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Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Think I pulled my liver
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?