Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”