People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
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Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
You don’t even know
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
