Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?