People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
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Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.