Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

dark side of the loom

The news

Cats are still liquid.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

August 8

cause of death:
autopsy.

Social distancing in Australia:

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

I’m a bad influence on myself.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times