People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
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Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Greeting humans vs their dogs
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics