Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated