People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.

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*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl


Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll


Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.


her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel


“SHOW US YOUR TITS!!,” I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.


It’s like my pastor always says, “Who are you and why are you stealing wine?”


Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?


Hooker says $500. I say $50. She walks away.
Later, I’m walking with my wife, same hooker sees me and says, I see what you got for $50.