*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
“SHOW US YOUR TITS!!,” I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.
It’s like my pastor always says, “Who are you and why are you stealing wine?”
Whom hath released the hounds? Whom? Whom? Whom? Whom?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Hooker says $500. I say $50. She walks away.
Later, I’m walking with my wife, same hooker sees me and says, I see what you got for $50.