male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
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*limbos away from your hug*
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.