Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

a badder mouse

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

inventing words: clothing

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.