Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

ㅤ

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

👽

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

me when I see my crush

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.