Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?