Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

My five year plan is a meteorite

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

WWE is French for “yes”

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money