@Tryptofantastic

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

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@1Happytwit

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

@thegayfarmerguy

Cat is hissing at nothing in the kitchen. Based on horror movies I’ve seen nothing good can come of this, but I’m a white guy so I’ll stay.

@fro_vo

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ?? ???? is ????? ???? and ?? ????.

@trevso_electric

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

@twitinfected

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

@stevevsninjas

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

@markydoodoo

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

@brianbowman73

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

@EmaSlema

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive