I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
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Cat is hissing at nothing in the kitchen. Based on horror movies I’ve seen nothing good can come of this, but I’m a white guy so I’ll stay.
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ?? ???? is ????? ???? and ?? ????.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive