People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
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What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
nobody’s gonna understand
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…