Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

my friends when i can’t do basic math

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.