People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
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Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.