People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
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Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us