People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
You Might Also Like
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!