People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
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“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
still the best tweet of the year by far
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind