People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
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him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
car not found
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.