Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Probably my best painting.

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

Cool shirt 🙂

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space