People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
What my back needs
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What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
But that’s none of my business
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If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.