People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.