People buying plungers never look happy.
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Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
pelicons
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??