People buying plungers never look happy.
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COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’