People buying plungers never look happy.
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My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.