People buying plungers never look happy.
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whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
