People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
You Might Also Like
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.