People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in