People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
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Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
How actors in movies eat their food
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*