Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing