Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit