People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
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*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
and now we wait
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
