Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.