Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
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I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Umm Adele, have you tried texting?
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.
Press “three” for Spanish, and press “fo” for Ebonics
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.
You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.