@jannable9

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

You Might Also Like

@noogscorner

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

@UnFitz

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

@SvnSxty

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

@Love_bug1016

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

@Ameiam

I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.

@treywafer

Press “three” for Spanish, and press “fo” for Ebonics

@Book_Krazy

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

@drinksmcgee

Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.

You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.

@preawsaurus

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.