People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
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Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
same energy
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.