People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
