Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months