Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
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A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke