Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
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FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.