People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
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I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Who knew!
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks