People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
new career option?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
these two trucks have the same bed length
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*