@patnspankme

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

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@BreakingNews

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

@kkingparsons

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

@joeljeffrey

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

@Desert_Musings

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

@WritePlay

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

@TheWidowmakerX

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

@9g7d7

If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m

@RunOldMan

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.