@patnspankme

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

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@daddydoubts

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

@Georoyo

Marc Anthony jeans at Kohl’s come in three cuts – tuberculosis, heroin addict and skeletor.

@SincerelyMen

Voldemort’s parents took the “I got your nose” game a little to seriously.

@weinerdog4life

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

@KateWouldHaveIt

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

@FSUSteve

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

@sophielou

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

@dril

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal