People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
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My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Living the best life.. 😊
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Cause of death: Zumba
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.